It is the beginning of 2011, and I am embarking ever deeper into my spiritual journey. More often than not, assuming one could peer into my mind and soul, I am evaluating what I believe. Do not mistake this process as an attempt to run away. Far from it. If anything, I am galloping towards. The question is, am I running towards God? Jesus? A set of religious principles and traditions? Or, something else entirely?
The concept of God is conceivable for me to accept. However, the "presence' of Jesus has been problematic. Human? You bet. Prophet? Sure. The Son of God who walked on water (Matthew , 29 New Living Translation -- NLT) and was able to satiate thousands with five loaves of bread and two fish (Luke -17 NLT)? I do not know. I am trying to believe these accounts, but my mind keeps getting in the way. Even so, I am spending considerable amounts of energy on such conundrums.
Setting aside all of my doubts, there are many great scriptural examples of compassion, love, and lessons of how to exist morally. Ultimately, a road map for life. When it comes to faith I am envious of the peace possessed by those around me. Such was a catalyst for me, the thoughts occasionally nudging me to take a closer look. I wholeheartedly want that serene type of lifestyle. Rudely ascertaining that I am without the ability to attain such on my own, I have begun attending Catholic Mass. Note, I will not take part in the
Eucharist. It is not that I cannot receive Communion (I was baptized Catholic and later confirmed), I simply do not feel worthy. Further, I want to ensure that my beliefs are grounded before a commitment is entered. To merely stand in line and receive the Body of Christ because everybody else partakes does not motivate me. If I cross that threshold it is necessary my foundation is firm (I Corinthians 3:10-15; cf Matthew 12:43-45 NLT). Likewise, I want to ensure that I am reconciled. Not with the Church, per se, but with Christ...I have turned my back on him many times. (Yes, it is evident to me that moments earlier I alluded that I was unsure of my belief in the divinity of Jesus; yet, am indicating soon after that I fear he has been offended. Welcome to my world!)
In my spiritual studies I stumbled across a passage in the Bible which caused me to skid to a screeching stop.
"A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around
and said to them, 'If you want to be my disciple, you
must hate everyone else by comparison -- your father
and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters --
yes, even your own life; otherwise, you cannot be my
disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and
follow me, you cannot be my disciple.'"
Luke 14:25-27 (NLT).
I can bear my own cross. Have been doing so for some time. However, hating the people I love and hold dear is unfathomable. Why would Jesus say this? It flat out hurts to ponder the seriousness of these words. The premise of this concept does not register. Is Jesus speaking only to a narrow group of people, his disciples? Or, is this questionable practice intended for all individuals who believe; thus, being the gold standard in which we are to aspire? If this sense of denouncement is indeed the litmus test, I am not sure I can meet such a demand. Nor, do I want to!
I have read this verse before and it was bothersome then. However, the difference now is that I am not willing to give diffidence towards my lack of understanding. No, instead it is necessary to uncover the truth of what has been recorded. Otherwise, what's the point in proceeding?
Soon after, my concerns are mildly put to rest when Jesus commands:
"Honor your father and mother." Luke (NLT).
Whew, there is a sense of relief. Though, such is short lived. To fully jumble matters, Jesus goes on to iterate:
"I assure you that everyone who has given up house or
wife or brothers or parents or children, for the
life and will have eternal life in the world to come."
Luke 18:29-30 (NLT).
No matter how much I pour over these verses, I am bewildered. So, I presented this conundrum to an ecumenical study group. Every response was different. Many claims were proffered which did not jive with the spirit of what was written in other passages in the Bible. Love. Compassion. Patience. Many asserted that Jesus wanted nothing more than our utmost attention. Then, why not say that? Why include the other ideals? Of course, several had no comment at all...perhaps, they too were similarly baffled. And, there were a couple in attendance who interpreted the printed words literally. They had actually turned their backs on family and friends if those in question did not share their beliefs. Ludicrous! Surely, such cannot be what Jesus intended. These precepts fly in opposition of the very beauty of the gospels.
At the conclusion of the study grouping I departed feeling drained and worn out. What was I doing chasing a spiritual path which caused people to believe in such polarizing ways? The next day any thoughts of opening the Bible repulsed me. If this is what Christianity is all about I want no part of it. Period.
Digesting these variables, I arrived at the conclusion that I need to explore this matter more fully before making any decisions of finality; assumptions are not sufficient. Faith cannot be built on "could be this" or "could be that" type of answers. A rationale meaning for those verses surely exists?
Please help me ....
February 2011
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