Disciple

It is the beginning of 2011, and I am embarking ever deeper into my spiritual journey. More often than not, assuming one could peer into my mind and soul, I am evaluating what I believe. Do not mistake this process as an attempt to run away. Far from it. If anything, I am galloping towards. The question is, am I running towards God? Jesus? A set of religious principles and traditions? Or, something else entirely?

The concept of God is conceivable for me to accept. However, the "presence' of Jesus has been problematic. Human? You bet. Prophet? Sure. The Son of God who walked on water (Matthew 14:25, 29 New Living Translation -- NLT) and was able to satiate thousands with five loaves of bread and two fish (Luke 9:13-17 NLT)? I do not know. I am trying to believe these accounts, but my mind keeps getting in the way. Even so, I am spending considerable amounts of energy on such conundrums.

Setting aside all of my doubts, there are many great scriptural examples of compassion, love, and lessons of how to exist morally. Ultimately, a road map for life. When it comes to faith I am envious of the peace possessed by those around me. Such was a catalyst for me, the thoughts occasionally nudging me to take a closer look. I wholeheartedly want that serene type of lifestyle. Rudely ascertaining that I am without the ability to attain such on my own, I have begun attending Catholic Mass. Note, I will not take part in the

Eucharist. It is not that I cannot receive Communion (I was baptized Catholic and later confirmed), I simply do not feel worthy. Further, I want to ensure that my beliefs are grounded before a commitment is entered. To merely stand in line and receive the Body of Christ because everybody else partakes does not motivate me. If I cross that threshold it is necessary my foundation is firm (I Corinthians 3:10-15; cf Matthew 12:43-45 NLT). Likewise, I want to ensure that I am reconciled. Not with the Church, per se, but with Christ...I have turned my back on him many times. (Yes, it is evident to me that moments earlier I alluded that I was unsure of my belief in the divinity of Jesus; yet, am indicating soon after that I fear he has been offended. Welcome to my world!)

In my spiritual studies I stumbled across a passage in the Bible which caused me to skid to a screeching stop.

"A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around

and said to them, 'If you want to be my disciple, you

must hate everyone else by comparison -- your father

and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters --

yes, even your own life; otherwise, you cannot be my

disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and

follow me, you cannot be my disciple.'"

Luke 14:25-27 (NLT).

I can bear my own cross. Have been doing so for some time. However, hating the people I love and hold dear is unfathomable. Why would Jesus say this? It flat out hurts to ponder the seriousness of these words. The premise of this concept does not register. Is Jesus speaking only to a narrow group of people, his disciples? Or, is this questionable practice intended for all individuals who believe; thus, being the gold standard in which we are to aspire? If this sense of denouncement is indeed the litmus test, I am not sure I can meet such a demand. Nor, do I want to!

I have read this verse before and it was bothersome then. However, the difference now is that I am not willing to give diffidence towards my lack of understanding. No, instead it is necessary to uncover the truth of what has been recorded. Otherwise, what's the point in proceeding?

Soon after, my concerns are mildly put to rest when Jesus commands:

"Honor your father and mother." Luke 18:20 (NLT).

Whew, there is a sense of relief. Though, such is short lived. To fully jumble matters, Jesus goes on to iterate:

"I assure you that everyone who has given up house or

wife or brothers or parents or children, for the

Kingdom of God, will be repaid many times over in this

life and will have eternal life in the world to come."

Luke 18:29-30 (NLT).

No matter how much I pour over these verses, I am bewildered. So, I presented this conundrum to an ecumenical study group. Every response was different. Many claims were proffered which did not jive with the spirit of what was written in other passages in the Bible. Love. Compassion. Patience. Many asserted that Jesus wanted nothing more than our utmost attention. Then, why not say that? Why include the other ideals? Of course, several had no comment at all...perhaps, they too were similarly baffled. And, there were a couple in attendance who interpreted the printed words literally. They had actually turned their backs on family and friends if those in question did not share their beliefs. Ludicrous! Surely, such cannot be what Jesus intended. These precepts fly in opposition of the very beauty of the gospels.

At the conclusion of the study grouping I departed feeling drained and worn out. What was I doing chasing a spiritual path which caused people to believe in such polarizing ways? The next day any thoughts of opening the Bible repulsed me. If this is what Christianity is all about I want no part of it. Period.

Digesting these variables, I arrived at the conclusion that I need to explore this matter more fully before making any decisions of finality; assumptions are not sufficient. Faith cannot be built on "could be this" or "could be that" type of answers. A rationale meaning for those verses surely exists?

Please help me ....

February 2011

Fish and Crackers

Have you ever wondered where your food comes from...beyond the supermarket or your refrigerator? While recently preparing an afternoon snack, a particular meditation had eased into my thoughts. Eating Mindfully, by Thich Nhat Hanh. In this Buddhist thread of wisdom, Hanh asks readers to be observant of one's food. Specifically, tracing its journey from seed, to fruit, to harvest, to distributor, to table. Plus, all of those places in between. Initially, the practice comes across as somewhat elementary, an activity reserved for children. Nevertheless, if this height of awareness is maintained with each bite, one can be impacted by the exercise.

I would like to assert that this level of mindfulness is my custom, but such is seldom the case. On the rare occasions when I do remember, my thoughts last little more than a couple of bites and then run amok. Buddhists refer to this random and seemingly uncontrollable pollution of focus as "monkey mind." Quite appropriate when considering the appearance of our primate friends viewed through wildlife programming, scurrying about and swinging without any apparent direction. 

During those moments when I do experience a particular calmness of thought; albeit much too infrequent, a deep sense of clarity can be realized. Much to my annoyance, I am unable to remain in this peaceful state for any longer than a sneeze in the fabric of time. Bugger! This shortcoming notwithstanding, on one such instance this absence of monkey mind coincided with the preparation of my snack, fish and crackers. Aside from the rumblings in my belly clamoring to be satiated, I casually set out to ponder what these familiar and ordinary foods encountered on their pilgrimage from seed to plate. Entering into a meditative state of awareness, another thought made itself present. No, this was not a condition of my curse with the monkey mind. Instead, what was juxtaposing in my noggin was a melding of two different spiritual walks. The Buddhist sense of awareness to eat mindfully coupled with the Christian accounts of Jesus feeding thousands and, following his resurrection, serving breakfast to his disciples. (In both Christian accounts the food central to the theme was fish and bread.)

The notion of feeding thousands of people with two fish and five loaves of bread (Matthew 14:13-21; Mark 6:30-44; Luke 9:10-17; John 6:1-15 NLT) has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. The baskets of leftovers complicates my reasoning even more. But, my struggles with those happenings are not pertinent. At least, not in this instance! My ruminations focused more on the nonchalant choice of snack stuffs and their similarity to that which was shared with the followers of Jesus. (In close proximity to Jewish Passover, the bread they consumed was likely unleavened, as were my crackers.) Some of the harmony caused me to pause. They were following Jesus; I am studying him. They were likely sitting on lumpy ground; I was poised on a very lumpy mattress. They were undoubtedly confused and excited; so am I. Surely, they wondered why he shared such mysteries with them; ditto. The list is unending...feel free to insert any of your own parallel insights.

More profound was when my meditations lead me to recall Jesus feeding the disciples fish and bread after his resurrection (John 21:1-14 NLT). How humbling that must have been for them. Can you imagine our response? As I sat, balancing a chunk of fish atop a saltine cracker, I could not help but wonder of their thoughts. They had witnessed so many miracles by Jesus. They were right there! Not only had the disciples watched a magnificent segment of history unfold, they were a part of it. They journeyed side by side with Jesus. The disciples were privy to the love and compassion he freely shared. Sadly, they were acutely aware of the ugliness which fell upon him. His death. The aftermath of despair and loneliness which followed. Then, after his resurrection, Jesus prepared and served the disciples a meal! They had observed him perform similar acts of service for countless others, but only they truly knew who he was. How does one put all of that into perspective?

Thankfully, these accounts have been recorded for the posterity of furture generations...you and me.

To say the least, my snack was fulfilling!