FREE WILL

     For whatever reason, we were created with the freedom to discern right from wrong. We can consent to the high road, or the low. Why God, in his infinite wisdom, found it beneficial to grace us with the power of choice is, well, baffling. Yet, beautiful. A testament to his genius. Conversely, I think it is a curse at times (most times). However, the finer points of God’s wit will have to wait for a different time.

    Meditating on the mysteries of the rosary, it is not uncommon to find myself choking on the depth of conviction I sometimes stumble onto. The resurrection. The descent of the Holy Spirit. The transfiguration. The Eucharist. And, so on. Such can be quite riveting.

     For purposes of today, my thoughts revolve around the Sorrowful Mysteries. Most notably, Jesus being scourged; fitted with a crown of thorns, spit upon, and the crown being repeatedly struck while upon his head; the carrying of the cross (Matthew 27:26-­31); and the crucifixion (Luke 23:33-44). Those are each incredibly dark events in and of themselves, hence, sorrowful. But, these passages can also lead the mind into quite a sobering manifestation as well.

     In the simplest of characterizations, our actions amount to sin when we voluntarily perform something that we know is wrong. In other words, we thumb our nose at God. For instance, we know that sex outside of marriage is prohibited, but it feels so good that….. Or, when we know that our neighbor is struggling with this, that, or the other but instead of helping him (or her), we are selfishly inclined to go to the lake for a swim. Even something so trivial as a grudge - because Suzy Q took your parking space over a month ago. We know better than to go against the precepts of God; yet, we continue to willingly indulge in these trappings, often with enthusiasm. Thanks, Adam! (and Eve!)

     In pondering the Sorrowful Mysteries, I cannot help but visualize that every single flog Jesus experienced during his scourging was representative of a sin I have committed. This is not to say that I am a bad, bad person. No, unlike how we categorize various levels of unacceptable behavior, God sees sin as sin (or, so that is what I am told/read). Whatever the wrong, such separates us from God. Lessens the grace of salvation, if you will. In like fashion, each thorn on his crown was representative of a sinful thought, that such being struck on his head only brings it that much more to the forefront. The pain suffered. The initial shock. The burn of salt from his sweat pouring into the wounds. The blood running into his eyes and blinding him. The humiliation. The suffering. All because I exercised my free will and elected to thumb my nose at God.

     What is our penalty? Through repentance, it is realized that this happened to Jesus out of God's love for us, that Jesus willingly subjected himself to this incomprehensible level of torture. Thus, hypothetically, we have a front seat to watch as he is again laid on the cross, as spikes driven through his wrists and ankles. The cross again being lifted up and dropped into the hole of its resting place, the sheer force of the abrupt stop only exasperating an already unimaginable level of pain. And then, hanging until his eventual death.

     Jesus endured such because we continue to sin. What a horrific travesty. All we can do is wallow in the maliciousness we just imposed. That is our penance.

     To make amends, we voice our misgivings and God wipes away our erroneous behavior(s). But, this hardly seems equitable. Talk about an incredible outpouring of love. Yet, though beautiful as this should be, it is mind numbingly difficult to move beyond the severity of Jesus consenting to such. Our response? To cultivate that wretched feeling in the pit of our soul which beckons us to understand (if that is even possible). To love, to accept the salvation which is being offered.  This begs to question, how often are we going to continue committing the same sins?

     I cannot help but think each time I sin (of course, this is afterwards), Jesus has just been scourged on my account. It is as if I have taken the lead tipped whip in my own hands and lashed Jesus across the back. That I stood face to face, and spit on him. Or, through choosing to sin, by proxy, I elected to beat Jesus upon the crown of thorns.

     In recognizing the necessity to repent, how do we ever begin to apologize? I'm sorry, just doesn't seem enough, not even close. Ultimately, like love, proof is in the pudding. How we move forward will shed light (or, darkness) on whether we are genuinely overcome with remorse and choose God the next time we tangle with the struggles of good verses not so good.

     The moral of this diatribe is: The next time you are confronted with exercising your free will and are leaning towards an immoral act, is it worth inflicting Jesus with another thorn? A whipping? Or, what about reminding Jesus that the spikes that were driven into his body meant nothing to us. That his efforts were wasted?

     PASSING NOTE: Please do not think that I am claiming to have this down pat. I don't. These thoughts only represent where I am at in my journey. Still struggling and disappointing God.