Forgiveness

   In the prayer which Jesus taught to the apostles, there is a line which has caused havoc in my life: "[F]orgive us our trespasses [a]s we forgive those who trespass against us" (Matthew 6:12 RSVCE 2d). This particular proposition rang a bell while I was still wrestling with whether belief in God was objectively true or a bunch of subjective hocus pocus.         Chewing on this passage, I had latched onto "as," a seemingly innocuous pronoun. To this day, the reverberations of this quantifier continue to resonate. Hence, the "havoc" referred to moments earlier.
   The ding-donging of this spiritual gong brought with it a recognition that a response in the form of duty or performance was fundamental, a gate keeping mechanism. Such a threshold obligation ultimately gave credence to the whole Jesus thing. This amounted to another piece of evidence which added to the reasonableness of Christianity. Coincidentally, the soundness of this theology impacted my everyday life before having entered the Church!
   It's no secret that I have always struggled with forgiving myself for the ugliness which landed me in prison (such will not be rehashed in this essay, read my earlier writings). Several years ago a milestone had been reached in which the strength and wherewithal to forgive myself had been a result - mind you, this is an on going process, never static or complete.              Unequivocally, some days are more difficult than others (again, detailed accounts are written elsewhere).
All of the aforementioned has been presented as a refresher and segue into God's forgiveness of me.
Ever since I became a Jesus freak, people who are aware of my difficulties in forgiving self have inquired as to whether I know that our Lord has forgiven me. Well, in response, yes and no. Though, the "no" has always been kept to myself. Intellectually, on paper, if you will, it was recognized that God had forgiven me. However, I didn't know this grace in my soul.
   You may not understand this, but it has never mattered to me whether forgiveness was attained from our Lord! I feel so horrible about the past...whatever happens to me will be just. So you may ask, "Why bother becoming a rootin' tootin' Christian?" Because I love Jesus. If I can draw souls to him, I will have made a difference. In the off chance that somebody can be prevented from making the same errors in judgment that I did, wow. By bringing people to Christ, perhaps there will be one less victim of crime. If God embraces them...awesome, awesome, awesome.
   Surely, with the relationship I have grown to enjoy with Jesus and his Mother, not to mention my religious education and prayer life, one would not dare suspect that I held such reservations about God's forgiveness. Perhaps I am an anomaly! Could be that I am slow to see: "How many times I yearned to gather you, as a hen gathers her young under her wings, but you were unwilling" (Matthew 23:37, translation unknown).
   On the morning of the Feast of Saint Thomas the Apostle (also known as, Doubting Thomas, see Luke 20:19-29), with no noticeable sequitur, it became clear in my soul, in my heart, in my very essence, that God has indeed forgiven me. An "aha" moment of the most savory variety.
   Using deductive reasoning: If I was unforgivable, the Holy Spirit would not have allocated so many resources to rescue me. He would not have helped me understand his teachings and infused me with the confidence to share the same with others. And, he would not have showered me with blessings and the capacity to recognize such. If I was forever damned, these riches would have been invested elsewhere.
   On a side note: Several hours after arriving at these conclusions, two religious (nuns) came to visit for the afternoon. One being my spiritual director; the other, her sidekick, was a first meeting. Coincidence? I think not.
   And, on yet another note, the shining beacon to close this celebration of forgiveness consisted of fireworks peeking over the distant trees. No kidding, fireworks. Neat! Memorable.
   Yahoo, God has indeed forgiven me! And, I now possess a knowledge of this forgiveness. How incredibly freeing. If only I could have shared such with my dad....
   Marana tha